everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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