i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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