Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
