she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
