Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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