Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
