i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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