I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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