first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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