why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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