tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
