So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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