All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
