I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
