I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
