I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
