Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
