i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
