just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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