So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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