I faked an abortion last night.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
