I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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