I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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