my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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