My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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