Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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