I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
