that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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