when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
