1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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