after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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