walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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