I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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