What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
