I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
