I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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