Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
