I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
its liver damage thursday
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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