I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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