do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
