Michael Bay diarrhea
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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