Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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