So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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