Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
