If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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