I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
