remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
