my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
