STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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