Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm at about main and main street
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
